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[Fyy]

The number one rule before snagging your eye-candy, is to have fabulous hair. Fab hair. Fabo hair. Whatever you young people are calling it nowadays. So here it goes:

How To Do Your Hair And Make It Fabulous:

1. Fall asleep in a bowl full of syrup.

2. Lean the back of your head against a hot space heater.

3. Challenge your skills by doing your hair in the dark.

4. Allow small animals to build a nest in it and then leave.

Guys dig chicks with great hair. Fabu-lous hair that is.
So, check your tresses, hun. Are they fab enough. If it is, move on to the next section.

LANDING A MAN.
I've broken this into two parts. Especially for those people who need to read in two parts, right jordan**?
If you have an attention span of a Cocker Spaniel, just skim through. Or for your own good, just close this window. Right now.
If you have one of a Beverly Chihuahua, read Part 1 then rest and drink and rest again before continuing to Part 2.
If you have one of the Mighty Bull-Dog, you're so FAB. Read the whole thing at one go. You deserve it. =)

How to land a man while out in town. Part 1.

1. Open your peepers wide. They say that when your pupils dilate, it indicates sexual attraction. While, in most cases, you can't dilate your pupils voluntarily, you can open them reeeeeaaaaally wide in hopes that the extra light you are taking in will dilate them.

2. Dress to kill. You don't want a man who wants you just for your looks. Ensure that the man who approaches you has the right things in mind by wearing incredibly unflattering clothing. Stuffing your size 14 body into a tube dress made for a thirteen-year-old is a good start.

If you aren't quite big enough for this to be really offensive, select a pair of jeans that is *at least* a size or two too small. This way, what little fat you have will be prominently displayed overflowing from the top of your pants.

An ill-fitting pair of jeans is no good without a too-short T-shirt to show off the mess you've made of your midsection. Anything featuring a Looney Tunes character is instant gold.

3. Put on make-up as much as you can. Now that you're dressed for success, you need the makeup to match. Blue eyeshadow, no matter what your eyecolor, will make you stand out from the masses. Not skimping on the eyeliner will also get you noticed. It isn't necessary for it to be even, men LOVE quirks. Lining your lips with a much darker color than you paint them will draw attention to your mouth and you can highlight your face by making sure there is at least a two-shade difference between your neck and your jawline. Looking good. Try aiming for the Bono the Clown look. If fail, please please try to at least look drag-queen-ish. And you're in!

4. Say Cheese! A great smile is often the most-noticed aspect of a girl the first time you meet her. But you want someone who will look past your external beauty to find the gorgeous within, right? Having a few/many broken/chipped/blackened/missing teeth will make sure that when he looks at your smile, he will be blinded by the beauty beaming from inside you rather than the glare off your pearly whites.

Broken teeth can be painful, so if you don't already have these, make sure you haven't brushed in awhile and stand within smelling radius when you flash that winning grin. This has the added bonus of letting any potential suitors know that if they get with you, they better be able to afford extensive dentistry.

5. Shake that booty, beautiful. Okay, your eyes are bugged out, your clothes are no longer distracting anyone from your natural beauty, your makeup is hot and heavy, your smile is appalling… what next? We will take a tip from nature and start our mating dance.

The important thing to remember about dancing is that you want to be noticed. Don't be one of those anonymous girls dancing in rhythm and within any given space. There are two ways you can go about this:

A. Flail your arms and legs, gyrating and bopping with wild abandon. If you stay with the beat, they may not notice you in the crowd, so try to stay a step ahead or behind the music (and the other girls) at all times. Alternating these is the best strategy, as it will really set you apart. Grinding your body against any man or woman who crosses your path will help them see you as a sexual being. If this is too bold for you,

B. Stand in the middle of the floor, wrap your arms around yourself and sway slowly with your eyes closed. No matter how fast the music gets, sway as if you're back in junior high about to get your first kiss to Boyz II Men. *Sigh* Do you feel that? Ahhhhh… desperation.

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How to land a man while out in town. Part 2.
Now that you have caught the eye of your future man,(that you learned how to do in part 1, above) you're ready to let your personality shine. I've come up with a list of things designed to accentuate those parts of yourself that men find attractive and to show him why he should love you.

6. Men love a woman who loves herself. It is very important that you use every opportunity to show him how amazing you are. And that is best done by turning every conversation topic back to you. He likes to write? You won a poetry contest in junior high! He wants to travel the world? You used to live in Idaho! He is going to call the police if you don't get out of his house? You loved -Every Breath You Take-!

7. Declare your love. You want to show him that you're interested in him, too, and men are notoriously oblivious to subtle social hints, so you're going to need to be bold. If you tell him right away that you think he is the greatest thing to happen to you since Jane Doe tripped over her own shoelaces after calling you a retard in fourth grade, he will know without a doubt that you are into him. He might be rendered speechless! Men are often not as emotional as we are, so you want to let him know it's okay to say what you know he wants to. Just remember, someone has to say I love you first!

8. Physical affection is key. You don't want to come on too strong, but you want to come into physical contact soon and often. Try your brushing your knee against his under the table. Or touching his arm when you laugh at his jokes. Or clutching at his pant legs when he tries to leave the table.

9. Honesty is a beautiful thing. And the sooner you can lay it all on the table, the better. Not literally… that's the second date * wink *. You don't want to be wasting as many as two or three date nights with him before you discover that your issues with your snoring habits, chronic back pain, problems with your mother, stalker ex-boyfriend, desire to have his children, and crippling fear of rejection mean you just aren't compatible. So tell him all of this as soon as possible. Having business cards printed detailing your baggage can speed this process up.

10. Protect your man from distractions. While you do want a man to call your own, you don't want to be walked all over. And you certainly don't want a man with a wandering eye. Let this be known before he even gets the chance. Make sure you scowl at every woman who walks by, pointing out just what is wrong with each one. So he won't even * think * about it. If anyone looks his way, be certain they understand that you have layed your claim and won't be budging. -What are you looking at, woman?- and -He's mine. Get your own- work wonders. She can say she is just -the waitress- all she wants. But we all know how women are. And really -I'm his wife. What are you doing at our table?- is the oldest line in the book.

Good luck with your man-hunt!
DISCLAIMER: No refunds here too. And again, perhaps you're secretly not straight too. No worries.

[Jeremy]

Hilarious..

number 10 in part 2 was my favourite.. my ex used to be that way.. it made me sick that she was so judgemental of people she never met or knew in anyway.. other than they were in my line of sight..
worst part of it is, I wasn't a wandering eye.. it was all in her head.

very funny... "or grab his pant leg as he tries to leave the table." I got the looney tune referance instantly..

[Kayla]

Thats just way too funny hahahah
and was sad is there are girls who get so drunk
wen out in town that actually end up looking like that
and actually do some of the things mentioned
hats off too you love it !!!