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Female Subtlety 101: Friendship or Attraction?

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Female Subtlety 101: Friendship or Attraction?

Postby Lukasx 12 days, 18 hours ago

I've been on a fair few 'online dates' now, but although I've had as many as three dates with some of them, generally nothing seems to happen.

Now, when it comes to spotting the signs I know I'm pretty naive, but surely after three dates it should be clear whether a girl wants you to make a move or not!

I'll be frank, I don't like online dating in principle. It's extremely cumbersome and even when a date is successfully arranged, it still amounts to a semi-blind date (as you've still not met yet before the date, and pictures and profiles rarely compare with actually meeting someone in the flesh).

For this reason, I'll never make a move on a girl on a first date. Let's face it, neither of us really knows what to expect when we meet our date, and there is just as much likelihood that we'll not feel a 'spark' of attraction when we meet them for the first time than we will. Without knowing whether my date has been pleasantly surprised or hideously disappointed, I don't want to make a move which might lead to an awkward situation for us both, so I'll give her the chance to make a 'clean break' at the end of the date, and if there is any interest she'll agree to see me again.

If she agrees to the second date, then I'll assume she's more than likely interested in me. Now this is where my theory goes off the rail folks...

...you see we'll opt for a more romantic experience in a second date than the first (maybe dinner together, or a ride out in the car in the countryside, etc), but somehow the tone of the date will effectively remain the same as the first, and by the end of the date again nothing will have happened to confirm whether there is attraction or not.

Now, at least twice now I've had a date at my place for a third date - again I'm aware that they are in a relative stranger's house for the first time, so I'm fairly respectful of them once again and try not to come on too strongly so as to avoid a harrowing experience for them, but once again a platonic evening ensues.

It is usually at this point the whole 'fledgling relationship' will fizzle out and we will fall out of touch.

Now, in my heart of hearts I believe all this amounts to a case of me not making a move when the 'opportune moment' arose, but for the life of me I didn't notice it!!! So, if I'm correct it's a disappointing failure for both myself and my date. :roll:

The only time my dates seem to go smoothly is when lots of mutual drinking occurs and we both just open up about how we feel without all the subtle mindgames. So, rather than get all my future dates drunk in the hopes of cutting through the arcane conundrum that is figuring out whether she is attracted and wants to escalate things to the next level, I thought I'd just ask a girl! :D

Now, I've already read a lot of stuff online about tell-tale signs during a date, and body-language (etc, etc, yada, yada), and none of it seems to apply to any of the many dates I've been on now, so I'm really hoping some of you gals out there can offer this hopeless case some of your feminine insights!!! ;)

Sorry for the long rambling message, I just have a particularly loquacious manner of getting my point across on the page! :oops:

Lukasx
 
Posts: 11
Joined: 13 days, 21 hours ago
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Re: Female Subtlety 101: Friendship or Attraction?

Postby Lukasx 10 days, 2 hours ago

Well, most recently I've kinda stumbled upon my own solution to this one with the person I've begun dating right now. Not sure if any of you have solved your communication problems with someone you've dated in this way (if you have, SHAME ON YOU FOR NOT SHARING!!) but if not, I'll briefly explain...

...After three uneventful dates, in which neither of us really seemed to want to transcend the 'friend zone' things were looking pretty dire. For my part, I kept trying to arrange to see her again in the hopes of finding an opportune moment to show her how I feel. But she was becoming a little distant in her responses and I could sense that whatever momentum we had started with our dates was now dwindling.

Now ironically, my salvation would come in the form of the txting medium!!

I basically just decided that at this point there was nothing to lose by trying to set things straight with her about how I felt (and how she felt), and that txting being so indirect, wouldn't be too 'in her face' if she didn't feel the same - but it turns out she did feel the same way and thought I wasn't interested!! :-D

I've always shunned txting as a means of flirting with girls as it seems so impersonal and distant, and of course the message can be misinterpreted in such a rudimentary context.

But in this case, a potentially brilliant relationship which could have fizzled out due to a simple awkward rookie misunderstanding were it not for the simple yet effective power of a few txts to set things straight! So it seems txting can indeed be your friend and ally in the dating game if used in an appropriate way and at the appropriate time! (though given the option it's probably better to tell her in person if possible!) ;)

Lukasx
 
Posts: 11
Joined: 13 days, 21 hours ago
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Re: Female Subtlety 101: Friendship or Attraction?

Postby Misty 7 days, 21 hours ago

I'm glad you found something that works but for the future (if need be)... What about just plain honesty? Hey, I'd really like to kiss you...if after a few moments she doesn't object go for it (or the 90%/10% move from hitch). Or, can I hold your hand?

How is your body language during all of this? If you seem shy or distant she will react to that and you will be in the friend zone faster than you can say it. It's tricky because if it's too fast and aggressive she may run. If it's too slow she will think you're just not that into her. There is no magic time that works because each girl is different. If you're interested let her know, don't make her guess, but give her a little control with it.

It seems like you found courage through text and thats good if it worked. But, if you could do it in person it would better the experience by 100 fold.

Misty
 
Posts: 356
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Re: Female Subtlety 101: Friendship or Attraction?

Postby Lukasx 4 days, 15 hours ago

Thanks for your advice! :)

I agree it's always better to make your intentions known in person, I guess I've always been a bit worried about putting a girl in that awkward position of having to say no to my face. Also, being quite a well built guy I get worried about possibly intimidating a girl whereas a smaller built guy might not come across as imposing. I think by default I do strut about a bit and accentuate my physique (a trait I picked up back in school!) but I imagine I'd look goofy if I intentionally tried to compensate for that.

I'll definitely bear your words of wisdom in mind for next time! ;)

Lukasx
 
Posts: 11
Joined: 13 days, 21 hours ago
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